The Crescent City Absurdist: Halloween in August

Halloween has long been my favorite holiday for the same reasons that Catch 22 is my favorite book and New Orleans my new favorite city. There are reasons behind each bias, but it's the outright evocative sensation of absurdism in each that I love, bringing forth colors, nonsense, caricatures, and superficial disguises, everyone coming together while spiriting the burgeoning creativity of children, who have no self-concious issues when asked to use their imagination or to pretend to be a princess or a monster. Children relish this kind of play. And so do I.

      I did not ask to teach first grade, and yet I love it. I love it because I am still six years old in many ways. I still like recess. I still like to make loud and unnecessary noises. I still think farting is simultaneously gross and funny. And I struggle with the same things, like organization, time management, and sitting still. In the first week at my new school a the first-grader asked me, "What are you going to wear for Hallooween?" It was the beginning of August. I laughed. The kid had no sense of time and distance. Just impatient anticipation. "You'll have to wait for Halloween," I said. "But I just can't!" he screamed and whined and then collapsed on the ground. He really could not wait.

         A week later my roommates said, "Let's have a Halloween party." Our friend had been a Gameboy when he was in first-grade and wanted an excuse to recreate the costume. But we are adults. We are supposed to wait for the real thing. We didn't. It became a 1st grade Halloween party. Dress up as you did in 1st grade, or as you wish you had if your parents or contemporary trends hadn't limited you. Or just dress up. Just no sexy nurses, unless that's what you were into as a child.

    I could go on, but I thought it would be more fun to try this a different way.   Like a first-grader. At my school the first-graders blog. What if a first-grader wrote this blog? To answer that question, while maintaining the crude integrity of the blog's content, I have authored an attempt below.

To decode first-grade writing, you have to know a few things.
1) Some 5 year-olds don't spell whole words, but instead write only the letter of the first sound they hear. Sometimes they'll add the last sound as they develop.
I like to drink beer = I l t d br.

2) Little b and little d are often written backwards and are therefore confused. And C and K are interchangeable because they make the same sound.
I like to drink beer = I lic t brinc deer. OR .... I l t bc d.

3) In CVC words (consonant-vowel-consonant), the vowel is often dropped.
The cat is sad = The ct is sd. OR I like to drink beer = I lc t drnc br

The prose below is very advanced for a six-year old, but hell, I am (arguably) advanced for a six-year old (in spirit). Decode and enjoy!